Today, I found my music. In the bottom hand right hand desk drawer in the dining room. Today I cried. Today, I messed up while leading the music. I had a 3/4 song stuck in my head but I was leading a 4/4 song. It's kind of hard to lead 3/4 in a 4/4 instance. Today, I stabbed myself in the eye with my mascara. Today I tripped on my maxi skirt as I stood up. Today, I read my friend's blog and felt loved. Today, I missed my friend. Today, I had garlic bread. Today, I got angry at a child and used a loud and angry tone at him. Today, I ate brownies. Today, I talked to my best friend. Today, I read the scriptures. Today, I made a decision to try something new. Today, I got stressed about math. Today, I played Quiddler with my brother. Today, I spoke Spanish. Today, I laughed because my friends are funny. Today, I missed my friends. Today, I felt nostalgia. Today, I felt shame. Today, I listened to good music. Today, I developed a talent. Today, I was vulnerable.
Today, I was human.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Thursday, October 27, 2016
It Hurt. It Was out of Love.
I really need to be doing school. I have a literary analysis essay due, along with a module quiz for Biology, and 30 pages in Last Best Hope, along with a video lecture. I'm drowning. But this is important.
You know that pain that hurts so much that instead of working it out, you simply swallow it and distract yourself? Yeah well. You could say that's me. This morning was the first time I had cried in four weeks. If you know anything about me, you should know that that is not me. I cry. A lot. I cry because I'm laughing too hard, because I climbed a mountain and I look over a beautiful vista. I cry because I received a 100 on a assignment I thought I would barely pass. I cry because I love my friends. I cry because I miss my friends. I cry because Peanut Butter tastes so good. Well. Before today, I hadn't cried in four weeks.
Some of you might know about the Interpersonal Analysis Form for Social Leadership (a class I'm taking offered at Williamsburg Academy). I got mine back last week. Ouch. I thought I was a good friend previous to that critical feedback.
I received a 6/10 on "Listens to Understand". Hopes and dreams: dying.
Respects/tolerates People different from him/herself. 7/10. Hopes and dreams: critical condition.
Aware of how others perceive him/her. 6/10. Hopes and dreams: dead.
The feedback I received was good. I've been improving. But it hurts. It was out of love. I wanted nothing more than to get on a airplane and hug these people. I don't think they know how much I love them. Even when I hurt them and they hurt me. I get hurt because they love me. I hurt them because I love them. Isn't that what friendship is?
The hot tears falling down my face; I thought they would never stop. But they did. Eventually. It felt good. Did you know that you cry as a natural "cool down"? We think we cry because we're sad. Well we do, but there's a scientific reason behind that. If we continued to feel sad without crying, we would work ourselves to a hysteria and it would effect us physically and mentally. Tears are a way for us to channel out emotions out of your body. It's an emotional cool down. So crying is good. (More can be found about this here).
I hurt. I joy (incorrect grammar. But sometimes you have to write it as it is).
Christ loves us. I know that. I love him.
Rejoice, brother and sisters. There is hope. :)
Savannah
You know that pain that hurts so much that instead of working it out, you simply swallow it and distract yourself? Yeah well. You could say that's me. This morning was the first time I had cried in four weeks. If you know anything about me, you should know that that is not me. I cry. A lot. I cry because I'm laughing too hard, because I climbed a mountain and I look over a beautiful vista. I cry because I received a 100 on a assignment I thought I would barely pass. I cry because I love my friends. I cry because I miss my friends. I cry because Peanut Butter tastes so good. Well. Before today, I hadn't cried in four weeks.
Some of you might know about the Interpersonal Analysis Form for Social Leadership (a class I'm taking offered at Williamsburg Academy). I got mine back last week. Ouch. I thought I was a good friend previous to that critical feedback.
I received a 6/10 on "Listens to Understand". Hopes and dreams: dying.
Respects/tolerates People different from him/herself. 7/10. Hopes and dreams: critical condition.
Aware of how others perceive him/her. 6/10. Hopes and dreams: dead.
The feedback I received was good. I've been improving. But it hurts. It was out of love. I wanted nothing more than to get on a airplane and hug these people. I don't think they know how much I love them. Even when I hurt them and they hurt me. I get hurt because they love me. I hurt them because I love them. Isn't that what friendship is?
The hot tears falling down my face; I thought they would never stop. But they did. Eventually. It felt good. Did you know that you cry as a natural "cool down"? We think we cry because we're sad. Well we do, but there's a scientific reason behind that. If we continued to feel sad without crying, we would work ourselves to a hysteria and it would effect us physically and mentally. Tears are a way for us to channel out emotions out of your body. It's an emotional cool down. So crying is good. (More can be found about this here).
I hurt. I joy (incorrect grammar. But sometimes you have to write it as it is).
Christ loves us. I know that. I love him.
Rejoice, brother and sisters. There is hope. :)
Savannah
Friday, October 14, 2016
Jumbled and Confused and Messy and Sad
Well it's currently 12 am and I'm wide awake and I feel totally alone and abandoned, and I know I'm not. But it certainly feels that way. I don't understand people. Like I do. A lot; and I love people. A lot. But I don't. I don't understand myself; but I do? Is my entire life a question? Recently I read an article on whether or not our life is a simulation. It's messed with my vibe.
I feel like I should give a perfect answer like I always do in my posts. But I literally have nothing. I'm not going to post this link on Facebook or Twitter, or tell people it's up. I'm just writing for myself and if someone sees it, that's great.
I want to be happy, but I don't know how to obtain that happiness for myself. Ugh. I don't know. I feel friendless. A huge part of my happiness in this experience is my friends. Since I have none here, I depend on those back at home. Kinda sucks when you feel abandoned by them, too. I don't know what my plan is for the future. I LOVE PLANS. But what is a plan? Is it forcing your will upon God's and then expecting him to comply? What even is a plan?
I want to go hug all my friends and tell them it will be okay and that I love them, but currently the only thing I can hug is my pillow and text my friends. Like one of my friends poetically stated, "distance is stupid." 2,000 miles is really far. This post is so disjointed and messy and makes no sense at all. Kind of like me.
God, will you teach me how to be happy? Will you show me the way to happiness? Friends, will you show me you love me? Can I show you that I love you? Mom and Dad, can you show me the way to go? Can I support you? Trenton, Mazie, Benson, Zoe, can I lead you and show you the way? Can I set a good enough example for you?
God, will you lead me?
Savannah
I feel like I should give a perfect answer like I always do in my posts. But I literally have nothing. I'm not going to post this link on Facebook or Twitter, or tell people it's up. I'm just writing for myself and if someone sees it, that's great.
I want to be happy, but I don't know how to obtain that happiness for myself. Ugh. I don't know. I feel friendless. A huge part of my happiness in this experience is my friends. Since I have none here, I depend on those back at home. Kinda sucks when you feel abandoned by them, too. I don't know what my plan is for the future. I LOVE PLANS. But what is a plan? Is it forcing your will upon God's and then expecting him to comply? What even is a plan?
I want to go hug all my friends and tell them it will be okay and that I love them, but currently the only thing I can hug is my pillow and text my friends. Like one of my friends poetically stated, "distance is stupid." 2,000 miles is really far. This post is so disjointed and messy and makes no sense at all. Kind of like me.
God, will you teach me how to be happy? Will you show me the way to happiness? Friends, will you show me you love me? Can I show you that I love you? Mom and Dad, can you show me the way to go? Can I support you? Trenton, Mazie, Benson, Zoe, can I lead you and show you the way? Can I set a good enough example for you?
God, will you lead me?
Savannah
Saturday, October 1, 2016
An Act of Pure Will
A meaningful and thought provoking discussion I had with a dear friend of mine lately has been entertaining my thoughts for the past two days. Among the many things we talked about, we talked about the meaning of love, and most importantly Christlike love. My friend asked me what I thought the definition of love was. I did not know, so I asked him in return. He told me how one time he had been asked this question by a member of the Church much older than him, and he, like me, wasn't very sure. He said that the man said that love was "an act of pure will that expects nothing in return." After we had thought about this for a little bit, we were both taught a very simple yet profound truth about the Savior's atonement. The Savior's atonement was an act of pure will that expects nothing in return. Think about that. Pure will. Christ knew that his pain and his suffering was for the good of all mankind. Pure will. He submitted himself to the abusive treatment, pain, suffering, and harassing his atonement would bring to him. Yet he also knew the blessings we would receive as well.
While watching General Conference, I have set aside a page of notes to write down words or phrases that describe the Atonement to me, that are inspired or quoted directly from the General Authorities. They are:
Willingly
Voluntarily
Loving
Generosity
Redeeming
Liberating from sin
Mercy
Sacred
Inviting
Profound
Purifies
Passage back to our Heavenly Father
Hymns of rejoicing and praise
Blots out our sins
Manifestation of love
Suffering no more
Inviting to happiness
I have no doubt in my mind that tomorrow will bring another flood of words that describe this sacred act, and I encourage you to write down your thoughts about Christ's atonement the remainder of this General Conference.
Thank you, God, for loving me. Thank you for sacrificing your son so I may return. Thank you. I love you.
While watching General Conference, I have set aside a page of notes to write down words or phrases that describe the Atonement to me, that are inspired or quoted directly from the General Authorities. They are:
Willingly
Voluntarily
Loving
Generosity
Redeeming
Liberating from sin
Mercy
Sacred
Inviting
Profound
Purifies
Passage back to our Heavenly Father
Hymns of rejoicing and praise
Blots out our sins
Manifestation of love
Suffering no more
Inviting to happiness
I have no doubt in my mind that tomorrow will bring another flood of words that describe this sacred act, and I encourage you to write down your thoughts about Christ's atonement the remainder of this General Conference.
Thank you, God, for loving me. Thank you for sacrificing your son so I may return. Thank you. I love you.
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