Jumbled and Confused and Messy and Sad

Well it's currently 12 am and I'm wide awake and I feel totally alone and abandoned, and I know I'm not. But it certainly feels that way. I don't understand people. Like I do. A lot; and I love people. A lot. But I don't. I don't understand myself; but I do? Is my entire life a question? Recently I read an article on whether or not our life is a simulation. It's messed with my vibe.
I feel like I should give a perfect answer like I always do in my posts. But I literally have nothing. I'm not going to post this link on Facebook or Twitter, or tell people it's up. I'm just writing for myself and if someone sees it, that's great.

I want to be happy, but I don't know how to obtain that happiness for myself. Ugh. I don't know. I feel friendless. A huge part of my happiness in this experience is my friends. Since I have none here, I depend on those back at home. Kinda sucks when you feel abandoned by them, too. I don't know what my plan is for the future. I LOVE PLANS. But what is a plan? Is it forcing your will upon God's and then expecting him to comply? What even is a plan?

I want to go hug all my friends and tell them it will be okay and that I love them, but currently the only thing I can hug is my pillow and text my friends. Like one of my friends poetically stated, "distance is stupid." 2,000 miles is really far. This post is so disjointed and messy and makes no sense at all. Kind of like me.

God, will you teach me how to be happy? Will you show me the way to happiness? Friends, will you show me you love me? Can I show you that I love you? Mom and Dad, can you show me the way to go? Can I support you? Trenton, Mazie, Benson, Zoe, can I lead you and show you the way? Can I set a good enough example for you?

God, will you lead me?

Savannah

An Act of Pure Will

A meaningful and thought provoking discussion I had with a dear friend of mine lately has been entertaining my thoughts for the past two days. Among the many things we talked about, we talked about the meaning of love, and most importantly Christlike love. My friend asked me what I thought the definition of love was. I did not know, so I asked him in return. He told me how one time he had been asked this question by a member of the Church much older than him, and he, like me, wasn't very sure. He said that the man said that love was "an act of pure will that expects nothing in return." After we had thought about this for a little bit, we were both taught a very simple yet profound truth about the Savior's atonement. The Savior's atonement was an act of pure will that expects nothing in return. Think about that. Pure will. Christ knew that his pain and his suffering was for the good of all mankind. Pure will. He submitted himself to the abusive treatment, pain, suffering, and harassing his atonement would bring to him. Yet he also knew the blessings we would receive as well.

While watching General Conference, I have set aside a page of notes to write down words or phrases that describe the Atonement to me, that are inspired or quoted directly from the General Authorities. They are:

Willingly
Voluntarily
Loving
Generosity
Redeeming
Liberating from sin
Mercy
Sacred
Inviting
Profound
Purifies
Passage back to our Heavenly Father
Hymns of rejoicing and praise
Blots out our sins
Manifestation of love
Suffering no more
Inviting to happiness

I have no doubt in my mind that tomorrow will bring another flood of words that describe this sacred act, and I encourage you to write down your thoughts about Christ's atonement the remainder of this General Conference.

Thank you, God, for loving me. Thank you for sacrificing your son so I may return. Thank you. I love you.

How Fast?

Whenever I go to write a blogpost, I always put the title of the post first before even writing out my thoughts. Why is this important? I don't know it's just very amusing to me. While I'm writing, I will change the title but I'll always put the title first, not last. Weird. I'll stop rambling now.

Believe it or not, this post has a purpose. My initial ramblings might have mislead you, but believe me, I have a purpose. It is this. How Fast? How fast does our life change? One of the lesson's I've learned these past three months is that our life changes according to how much we listen to the Spirit. Let's rewind to about two years ago, 2014.

April, 2014.
 CCCC Southwest States Tour. I was 12 years old, and touring with my Choir across the Southwest States. Where did I see myself in two years? Finishing up middle school, a excellent musician, popular. Classic 12 year old. I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life. I just kind of figured whatever was supposed to happen would happen and it would all be good.






It was fun :D.

December 2014
Next stop, Guinness World Live Nativity. Me and a few friends went up to help break the record. We ended up meeting quite a few Youtubers, which was rad. I didn't have many friends. I had started LANV that fall. I was awkward, but what 12 year old isn't? This was by far the highlight of the year. So many memories. Like the Choir Trip in April, I didn't have a sense of direction.





I don't even know that this ^ picture is XD.

Fall, 2015
 Start of Freshman year. I had just skipped a grade that summer. One word to describe me: stressed. I was hoping to get a lot out of the year, since I was starting seminary as well. A month into the year I was bored, tired, lazy, and ungrateful.


My Haiti trip, December 2015.
This trip was undeniably orchestrated by God's hands. Many things happened on this trip that changed my life and the life of my entire family. They are:

1. I developed a sense of overwhelming gratitude, happiness, and fulfilment. These orphans taught me how to be happy, how to serve and love, and they strengthened my testimony in Christ.

2. We met Americans living in Haiti, doing humanitarian work. My mom LOVED the idea. Previously, we had tried applying for jobs in Hawaii, but it never worked out. We needed to be in Vegas. But after this trip, it was very evident to my mom that we needed OUT of Vegas. So after meeting these families, she called my dad that night and said "You should really look into international teaching jobs. I think it would be fun."

3. This was my first taste of being immersed in nature, service, and complete selflessness. I also got my first taste at international travel, and from then on I was HOOKED.

Now, I know what I love. I have a pretty good group of friends, I'm changed. I did pretty good in my first semester of High School.









Late March, 2016
We buy the plane tickets to Costa Rica. It's official, we're going. We start the process of finding rental homes, getting rid of possessions, and figuring out legal documents, etc. There's no turning back no. I tell all my friends, and it's hard. Really hard.

May, 2016
My first Elevation. I'm not going to say much, only that it was life changing and I wouldn't change that experience for anything in the world. So many new friends, so many new experiences. I learn more about myself, the things I love, and about God. I learn more lessons and principles that helped me become the best I could ever be.







June, 2016

We move. We move. To Costa Rica. AHHHHHHH. Just. Life is so different. My way of thinking is so different. My style of life is so different. I don't really know how to explain it. You just have to be immersed in my life to truly understand. If you had asked me two years ago if I thought we were going to Costa Rica, I would've laughed in your face. Lessons I've learned so far:

1. Jesus Christ loves me more than I know.

2. Service is the way to happiness.

3. Nature is my best friend.

4. My family is actual kind of cool and I really enjoy them.

5. Adventure is radical.

6. I am rich, and I am ungrateful for my prosperity.

7. Living life on purpose is so beautiful.

Things that have happened here that have changed me:

1. Spending majority of my Sundays serving.

2. Not having a piano has made me appreciate my talents a lot more.

3. Becoming Class President in two of my classes has given the greatest opportunity to make new friends and practice leadership skills.

4. I have found a second family, my Williamsburg family. My people. They teach me the culture of belonging.

5. I have become completely vulnerable to hurt and pain, but in doing so become abundantly open to happiness and true friendship.

6. Spending excessive amounts of time in nature has allowed me to feel a direct extension of God's love and power.

7. Being covered in mosquito and spider bites has made me appreciate my health.

8. Last but not least, I have come to learn that hard work, faith, perseverance, and a testimony in Christ will bring you unfathomable happiness.

So I have a question for you. How fast? How fast will your life change? Will you listen to the promptings of the spirit as it seeks to guide you? Will you sacrifice for God's kingdom? Will you diligently search the scriptures and pray for an answer to your problems and tribulations? Will you leave yourself open to deep, vulnerable, and loving relationships? Will you lead? Will you expand? Will you live without regrets; will you live on purpose? Will you follow Christ?

Savannah

Epiphany - A Guest Post by Dallin Ward

I used to think that when I had an epiphany or came to a new understanding of truth, I had finally come to the end of a journey and all of my problems regarding that issue would be solved. Now I am learning that such is seldom the case. It is true that one journey has ended - that's what the epiphany was - and it's also true that such an end in thought is a call to greater living. This means that instead of just understanding truth, I am now challenged to apply it to my life.

This can hurt a lot.

I've had this experience with the concept of love for the last few years, and specifically the last few months. Years and years of thinking and searching and trying to understand led me to some fantastic epiphanies and truths about love, and I feel like I understand it really well. Applying it has been quite a struggle. Love hurts sometimes. That's something I might not have been able to tell you a year or two ago. Trust me, it does. The great thing about love though is that it doesn't stop being love even when other people suffer because of loving action. Wrestling taught me about this.

For a long time, I believed that to wrestle with love was to never hurt anybody else. I thought that I couldn't wrestle really aggressively and physically and lay a beating on the guy across from me and still love him. It turns out that this is false. God never said to never hurt other people. In fact, He tells us in Proverbs that the wounds of a friend are faithful (Proverbs 27:6.) Faithful. How can that be?

It took me a long time to understand, and I could explain it to you. I'm not going to, however. I'm getting distracted from my original point. :)

The original point, and what I really want to end on, is this:

Epiphanies are the bugles of war. Once you understand greater truths, there is no turning back to the way things were before. You have something better to live for, and if you don't live for it great calamity will fill your soul. To live truthfully is a fight; a battle that can only be won because Jesus Christ is fighting too. He wants to bring you home.

Will you fight with Him?

Dallin is a friend of mine :). You can find his blog here: http://thoughtsofasimpledreamer.blogspot.com/

Living A Purposeful Life and Harboring Meaningful Relationships

Something I've been thinking a lot about lately. How do you live a purposeful life? How do you develop and harbor meaningful relationships? Well. I didn't know for a while. And I'm still figuring it out. But I think I've got it.

You live a purposeful life and harboring meaningful relationships by leaving yourself vulnerable. Completely, 1000% vulnerable to pain, depression, resent, shame, and anger. You open yourself up and let people see who you really are on the inside, when all your walls are down.

Now hold on a minute before you kill me. In today's society, being genuine and free and raw is so looked down upon, shamed and considered for naught even, that people are afraid to do it. They see those qualities as weaknesses, that we need to be strong and independent, that no one can help us and see us safely home. (NOT. TRUE). To truly defeat your enemy, you have to expose him. But you're not just exposing your pain, and fear, and insecurity, your determination and lack of motivation.  You're also exposing your confidence, your courage, your strengths. You're exposing your usefulness and potential. You expose everything. You expose the good and the bad, because to have a true meaningful relationship, there has to be trust. Trust that they'll support you. Trust that they'll build you up. Trust that they'll take you as you truly are and make you better. Trust that they'll protect you when you can't stand. Trust that they'll support you in your passions and interests. Because without trust, a relationship is nothing.

And ya know a cool thing that happens when you leave yourself vulnerable to this intimate relationship? You become a better person. You're able to find yourself. Think about it. You're opening yourself up to others, but before that happens what does? You have to come to a conclusion with yourself. You say to yourself: "Hey me. Listen up. I want to make meaningful and intimate relationships. But it's gonna be hard. And you've gotta be okay with that. You've gotta push through and be the best friend possible. You gotta be authentic. And it's gonna hurt sometimes. But suck it up and deal with it. I'm going to open myself up completely to pain. But also to possibility and joy. It'll be worth it. Trust me."
And in one move, you just proved to yourself you can do hard things. You discover who you are when you open yourself up to World; because in the process you open yourself up to you.

Let your heart lead you. You know what you really want on the inside. And if you let your heart guide you, not your head, you express your truest and realest emotions, dreams, visions, thoughts and epiphanies, and hidden talents.
"Follow your heart and intuition. Because they somehow already know what you truly want to become."
-Unbroken, Motivational Video

You know what's another word I feel should be brought up in this equation? Empathy. The official definition of empathy is,

1. 1:  the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it
2. 2:  the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also :  the capacity for this

 Powerful, huh. Part of this puzzle is being able to understand others. Be able to mourn with them. Be able to rejoice. Be able to serve from your heart. And oh how powerful empathy is.
"Empathy is really the opposite of spiritual meanness. It's the capacity to understand that every war is both won and lost. And that someone else's pain is as meaningful as your own."
-Barbara Kingsolver

Another thing-be fearless! Don't be ashamed or afraid to mess up. Don't be so worried about staying strong that you close yourself off again. Faith is the antidote to fear. Fear is fatal to faith. I promise you that if you turn to God in your journey for meaningful relationships, he will give you the strength and faith to carry on. He, himself will carry you.
"Fear kills dreams. Fear kills hope. Fear, put people in the hospital. Fear can age you. Can hold you
back from doing something that you know within yourself that you're capable of doing; but it will paralyze you".
-Unbroken, Motivational Video


Now, about living a purposeful life. It's all about finding what you love. And not only finding it. Pursuing it. Making your passions a reality and a solid foundation for you. It's about serving. It's about loving. It's about developing talents. It's about solid education. It's about adventure. It's about getting out of your comfort zone. It's about doing your best. It's about having faith in Christ. It's about humbling yourself before him. Asking for strength. Christ will give you purpose.


That's all I have for you guys today. You'll notice I didn't write nearly as much on 'Living A Purposeful Life', but that's because I honestly believe that finding those intimate and loving relationships will give you a purpose. It'll give you something to live for. To expand for. Gah. I love all of my friends. I love my family. I love every single person I've ever come in contact with. There is not one person I have met that I haven't found at least one thing to love about them. Isn't that so cool? We are all beautiful.

I hope you guys got something out of this. I know I did. I learned a lot about myself, too. Thank you to all of the people who inspired me to write this. I'm so grateful for you and can't imagine where I'd be without your love and support.

I hope you guys have a great day. I hope you are happy.

Love,
Savannah

Your Name

Greetings, fellow humans. It's been an eternity and a half since I've last written, and I apologize. But I'm back again with a cool experience I've had concerning my name, inspired by a brilliant friend of mine.

On Sunday, my friend Emily posted a picture of her name, followed by the meaning of her name underneath. She continued to insert her middle name and last name as well. The question that had been asked was, 'Are you living up to your name?'. Intrigued, I did this on my own name. I was shocked by the results.

Savannah
Create
Expression (public speaking, acting, writing, singing)
Loves and values beauty
Competent
Practical
Often obtains power and wealth
Successful
Achiever of great material dreams
We can focus too much on our business and achievements that we can neglect our personal lives and relationships

Sue
Lead
Organize
Supervise
Achieve status, power, wealth
Passionate
Compassionate
Intuitive
Romantic
Magnetic Personality
Humanitarian
Broadminded and generous
Follows professions that serve humanity
Can be imposed on
Falls in love quickly
Hurt quickly
Quick tempered


I was shocked by the results. They perfectly described me, and I even though they described me I was lacking in some areas. I realized I could more fully live up to my name. I had always somewhat resented my name. It felt weird on my tongue, and I didn't feel like it fit my personality as a child. (I was very strong willed, imaginative, and wild). But now, as I've grown up and molded into my more mature, wise, and strong personality, I see that my name really does fit me. My parents either knew I was going to have this personality, or the name they granted me shaped it. Who knows? All I know is that it was a frickin radical experience and I encourage everyone to do it, to discover themselves more fully and achieve more with the power that their name gives them.

Here is the link to the website I used:
http://www.sheknows.com/baby-names/

Peace out, homies

Savannah

The Hiding Place - Corrie ten Boom

Just a few hours ago, I finished one of the most phenomenal books in existence, in my opinion. The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. The Hiding Place is the account of Corrie and her sister Betsie during WWII as she joins Holland's underground, assisting and hiding Jews, even in her own house. However, she is found out and she, her sister, her father, her other sister, and her brother in law are taken to prison. There, everyone is released except for Corrie, Betsie (the sister), and her Father. Corrie and Betsie are faced with horrific challenges and trials, plagued with the unimaginable. Yet they still remain human, filled with the Love of Christ as God assists them and strengthens them in this time of need. Again and again, God's tender mercies shine through and allow them to study the Bible without it being reported, spreading the word and love of God throughout the Camp, the message that God's love runs true.

Below are a few of my favorite quotes that struck a chord within me. I hope you too will ponder them and perhaps write them down somewhere, so that in times of need you too may feel the love and hope of Christ.

• “This is what the past is for! Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see.” 

• “Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel.”  

• “In darkness God's truth shines most clear.”  

• “Even as the angry vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him....Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me your forgiveness....And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives along with the command, the love itself.”

• “Dear Jesus...how foolish of me to have called for human help when You are here.”

• “If God has shown us bad times ahead, it's enough for me that He knows about them. That's why He sometimes shows us things, you know - to tell us that this too is in His hands.”  

• “Love is larger than the walls which shut it in.”  

• “Perhaps only when human effort had done it's best and failed, would God's power alone be free to work.”  

• “Father sat down on the edge of the narrow bed. "Corrie," he began gently, "when you and I go to Amsterdam-when do I give you your ticket?"
  I sniffed a few times, considering this.
  "Why, just before we get on the train."
  "Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things, too. Don't run out ahead of Him, Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need-just in time.”  

• “All through the short afternoon they kept coming, the people who counted themselves Father's friends. Young and old, poor and rich, scholarly gentlemen and illiterate servant girls—only to Father did it seem that they were all alike. That was Father's secret: not that he overlooked the differences in people; that he didn't know they were there.”  

• "No pit is so deep that God is not deeper still”  

• "No hate, Corrie, no hate."

• “If the Gospels were truly the pattern of God’s activity, then defeat was only the beginning.”  

• “One day as Father and I were returning from our walk we found the Grote Markt cordoned off by a double ring of police and soldiers. A truck was parked in front of the fish mart; into the back were climbing men, women, and children, all wearing the yellow star. . . .
  
  "Father! Those poor people!" I cried. . . .
  
  "Those poor people," Father echoed. But to my surprise I saw that he was looking at the solders now forming into ranks to march away. "I pity the poor Germans, Corrie. They have touched the apple of God's eye.”  

• “Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength - carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

• “Books do not age as you and I do. They will speak still when you and I are gone, to generations we will never see. Yes, the books must survive.”  

• “Corrie, if people can be taught to hate, they can be taught to love! We must find the way, you and I, no matter how long it takes.”

• “The Gestapo chief leaned forward. I'd like to send you home, old fellow," he said. "I'll take your word that you won't cause any more trouble."
  
  I could not see father's face, only the erect carriage of his shoulders and the halo of white hair above them. But I heard his answer.
  
  "If I go home today," he said evenly and clearly, "tomorrow I will open my door again to any man in need who knocks.”  

• “The real sin lay in thinking that any power to help and transform came from me. Of course it was not my wholeness, but Christ’s that made the difference.”

• “Happiness isn’t something that depends on our surroundings, Corrie. It’s something we make inside ourselves.”  

• “Whatever in our life is hardest to bear, love can transform into beauty.”

Savannah