Regret

Hi yes, it's me, and I'm back again. Like 5 hours later. BUT I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS SPINNING AROUND IN MY HEAD AND I NEED TO ORGANIZE THEM. NOW.

Today I would like to talk about regret. Regret is a horrible thing. It eats you up from the inside out and makes your heart ache. The regret I've been feeling mostly these past two days is from my first year of Highschool, Freshman year.

For those of you who don't know, I attended Williamsburg Academy in 7th grade, then skipped 8th grade and jumped straight into High School. Ohhhhh man. At first I was excited, and then my stress levels rose, and rose, and rose. In the first two weeks I had 4 mental breakdowns, and 7 emotional breakdowns, approximately. I managed to make it through the first month alive. I was stressed, slightly depressed, and very anxious. I did however, conquer my fears and limitations. I grew to be a better person. But I was so focused on my Education, that I didn't even think about making friends. Not once. Looking back, I didn't want to make friends. I just wanted to survive.

So that's what I did. I merely survived. Before I move on, let me just say, NEVER, EVER, E V E R, MERELY SURVIVE. LIVE. THRIVE. LEARN. GROW. EXPAND. MEET NEW PEOPLE. Thank you. That is all.

Anyways. I studied for midterms and finals. I did my assignments and got A's. I made it into a few class presidencies. I learned, somewhat. But I didn't take full advantage of what I had. Beautiful lessons. Beautiful people. Beautiful opportunities. I wasted it all.

Then, at the very end of the semester, I got an email from Ben Brown, one of my amazing mentors. I owe him so much. He basically said, "hey. This is my last semester teaching debate. I would like you to join."
So I did. I had nothing to lose. No friends. Good grades. A free enough schedule. At the very beginning of the second semester, I vowed to expand, not just survive. So I went to debate class. My first impression was, "Crap." All of the popular kids where in that class. People I had merely heard of, yet never met before. I was so scared. But, I made good of my promise, and thrived. My debate partner, Alyssa, is amazing and we are still good friends. She is the first friend I ever had in Williamsburg Academy. When we had our first debate, she asked a fellow debater if he would help us, as he was more experienced. We were productive for about 20 minutes. Then we just talked. That was a good time. Yet I wanted more friends. But I didn't know how to make them. Then, out of the blue, a certain person from this class added me on Snapchat. (I will not disclose names. Sorry :) ). We started talking. One thing led to another, and we became friends. Then I became friends with the previous mentioned debater helper.

So now I had three friends. I had learned a lot and debate was easily my favorite class. I loved it. Then, three days after the school year ended, I reached out to a fellow debater, who had just graduated, on Instagram. I had a question for her, and we had a zoom call. We hit it off. Immediately. Now she is one of my best friends and my roll model. I love her to death.

Then, I went to Elevation. There I met these amazing friends minus Alyssa in person, plus more people whom I love dearly. But most of these people are older than me and have many, many more friends than I do. They have a good group of their 'people', yet I felt kind of like I had butted my way in there. As I was stalking these people and many others I had met at Elevation on Instagram, (yes, chances are I stalked you. I have no shame) I began to feel sad. I had these good friends, but we aren't super close, and they aren't very many compared to the others. (Minus Lils. I love you).
So I got to thinking. What had happened if I had tried to make friends throughout the year? How could my life have changed? How many lives could I have touched? I could've been the leader. I could've gone first, reached out. I could have changed MY life.
But I didn't. And I don't like to say it, but I'm hating myself for it. I want summer to end, NOW, just so I can redeem myself. Prove to myself and others that I CAN make friends. I CAN focus and invest my energy and time into something other than my education and exclude my potential friends.

Now, I would like to say that I do have very good friends in Williamsburg. But NONE of them are in my graduating class. Half of them are graduating this school year. So I'm promising myself now, and throughout the rest of my High School career, that I will surround myself with good friends, who encourage and lift me up. I will reach out to those in need of a friend. I can be a better leader by being a better friend.

So my message and lesson for you today is, don't look back and feel regret. It's better to say, "oops", than "I wish...". Trust me.
Trust me.

-Savannah